My New BFF

Well, there she is with all her possibilities! My new bestie! My new BFF, best friend, companion and yep, my confidant!  This gal probably doesn't even know what's coming, if she did she might run...and fast!!! 


I have myself convinced of one thing, its all or nothing. I have been blogging about losing weight for five years, three months and 6 days.  I have lost, I have gained, I have learned and I have forgotten.  I have been all in and focused on the goal, and I have been at times hanging on by a thread.  I have an arsenal of recipes and favorite low carb foods.  I don't eat beef, choosing instead to eat lighter, leaner meats like turkey and chicken. But I am still overweight.  What gives?
I am convinced this is the hardest thing I have ever done and why is that?  Because it is a choice I have to make every day! 



Think about it, usually in life the big responsibilities come with built in rewards and consequences, things you cannot easily ignore.  When you have children, once that baby is in your presence you can hardly ignore it and walk away, there are laws against that.  When you start a job, there are people counting on you and that expectation keeps you going through your daily routine and showing up, performing and in a week or two you get your reward.
But...weight loss is all about choice, daily choice, weekly choice, moment to moment choice... the reward is both immediate, and long term, it is illusive because you can have it in your hand and feel the glory, turn around and lose it so quickly. 


There are no laws that compel me to eat healthy, exercise or take medication, except the laws of nature and those are easily ignored by sticking my head in the sand. It is a constant battle, winning one, losing one.  There is no screaming baby ( ha, unless you count me throwing a tantrum because I want carbs and then again I don't).  The point being, there is a short list of reasons to do this and do it right, they are life or death reasons but those decisions come in such miniscule moments they seem insignificant.  But the sum total of each of those equals the success or failure of any break of habit, any huge life changes. So what's a gal to do???


Go shopping of course!  Ha hahaha - I cracked myself up on that one.  But yeah, shopping for new habits, new outlets for stress, new bffs in the form of a commitment machine otherwise known as exercise equipment.  I realize after five years of ups and downs that there is no golden grail. There are strings of decisions, that all add up. Like life itself, it happens while you are planning to make it happen and while you are sleeping away in oblivion.


There are ways to set myself up for success and ways to let myself off the hook.  So with my new equipment, I have removed all excuses. (Well maybe not all - I'm sure I can come up with something) but I have given myself the gift of convenience that is hard to ignore. This is a chance to ramp it up. To take the higher road.  My new BFF  stares at me longingly across the room, beckoning me to join her. She is asking me to trust her, to tell her my worries and my woes.


I guess I better "shoe up" and go do that thing.  Spend time with my new friend.  I want to keep her happy.  She and I  are developing a good relationship of give and take. I'm gonna give her everything I've got and she is gonna take me to the next level! 


That's all ~ Thanks y'all!

Pardon Me But I Think I Just Spilled My Guts On Your White Coat

Well I really went and did it this time.  Something I have dreaded, then craved, then chickened out on, then finally, pushed to the wall, I did.  I found a new doctor and I spilled my guts.  Gross sounding I know, but not literally spilled my guts, just figure of speechly.  She (Yes, young female doc) came in expecting a new patient consult and I think I may have surprised her because I certainly surprised myself with my candor.  So much so that when I left her office I felt depleted.  I felt like I had a two hour heart to heart with the principal, or the judge, or some other force of man's laws.  I gave her the whole run down on the symptoms, the known to me causes, and the efforts I have made to cure myself.

She sent me down the hall.  I had to sit in the little chair and offer up my veins in ceremonial sacrifice to the taker of the blood. She was nice enough but I am a big wimp.  I didn't cry though.  I toughed it out and it was over soon enough. Thank Goodness.

So we talked about my sleep apnea and the need for sleep.  We talked about a new sleep study and a new approach to treatment. We talked about my blood pressure and the pain in my lower legs.  She talked about the vein doctor, and the possibility of Type 2 Diabetes.  I laid it out there, stroke by stroke, and she matched each volley with a plan, a possibility for better life results and sent each ball right back into my court.  And you know what, it wasn't so bad.  I felt purged.  I felt like I had a partner in my quest for better health and that partner was all about action and accountability. 

So maybe you are thinking big deal, so what??  But I'm not so good when it comes to seeing a doctor.  Trusting doctors has never been my strong suit and I have to say, I am still a huge advocate for taking care of yourself with the right diet and exercise.  And I'm a private person about the physical stuff. I share what I want to share, but no more.  But at 50 I realize I do have to let the professionals in on my dirty little secrets. Stuff like numbness in my feet and fatigue.

My lack of blood pressure medicine refills forced me to seek out a doctor but my need to be wholly well again finally overcame my fear and self consciousness and I plunged forward like the Labradors I see at the dog park chasing the tennis balls into the pond with passion and abandon.  I'm surprised I didn't scare the poor girl.

So, as I feared, I have not lost my excess weight quickly enough and since the last couple of months I have been letting my diet veer further and further away from what it should be, I have crossed over from pre-diabetic, to just over the line in the world of Type 2 diabetes.  My doctor has given me six weeks to clean up my act and see if diet and exercise are enough to put me on the right path.  After that, I don't know, I am trying to just focus on tonight and the lovely salmon, kale salad and small bowl of navy beans I had for supper. Trying to keep my chin up so I can see clearly how to walk the path ahead a day at a time. 

I'm glad I went.  I'm glad I spilled the beans and told her everything.  We have a plan.  It was the plan I already had but with a little more help and a few more cheerleaders (well the professional kind you have to pay - but still, they are necessary sometimes) and those cheerleaders are also my link to more knowledge and that means more power and if I need it, more tools to help me on the path.  I haven't given up on being healthy again, quite the opposite, I have gathered an army and that army has access to the arsenal.  People we are kickin butt and takin names!

So to the nice lady in the white coat, thank you.  Thank you for listening to me.  Thank you for caring about what happens to me.  Thank you for being kind but firm and wise beyond your very young years.  Thank you for all your medical school learning and the hard work it took to fill your brain with all the knowledge necessary to help people like me get better.  I am sorry I spilled the beans all over your nice white coat.  Next time I go to see you, I'll bring a bottle of  "Spray and Wash" or maybe two.  Life is messy, you could probably use more than one. 

That's all ~ thanks y'all!