So when? When did I go from highly motivated to highly unmotivated? From "No Excuses" to "Excuse me but I don't think I'm going running today". An argument could be made for it happened the day I did the half marathon relay...because I reached a high and lofty goal and couldn't be bothered with another. I don't think so. Or it could have been when summer heat gave way to fall doldrums or winter blues gave way to spring heat...eh, maybe. That sounds more like it but I'm not convinced. It could have been when I added more run to my walk and my knees started barking back at me. For sure, pain is a great de-motivator. It could be the course I'm running sequentially in life, it randomly added some life hurdles...the kind of stuff you don't post about on Facebook or blogs, personal stuff. (and yes young folks, there are some things you can and should keep between you, God and a close friend or two.)
Part of the why is maybe that I live in a little town about 30 minutes from the people I run with. There are a few runners here in my little village but the ones I know have already plugged into their own group or they are way faster than me and not into swimming in the kiddie pool, I'm guessing. But this isn't really the why. Because, I can go it alone and I have and I can, but I'm not...
So when is covered. Sometime recently. Where is like, who cares and why, the why, I really can't say for sure. Why always seems to end up sounding like excuses. I do know, when you don't feel good inside or outside it can really bum your run. And believe me, my run is bummed. But why is so elusive and yet deep down, all I know is I just don't feel like it. I don't feel like overcoming the hurdles, the excuses, the work of it all...like a tantrum kid in action alley at Walmart, I'm throwing a fit, folks are looking and I couldn't even tell you what I need make the tantrum stop. I'm just tantrumming away....with no end in sight.
And the main thing about all this who, what, when and why is - I just don't know if I can look any deeper at those. I don't think I can waste anymore time rolling around in the sty. I know the reasons and they are rooted in dysfunction, in bad habits, in negative thinking, in letting my apathy run amok. Wait, did you just write Apathy? You did...you said it, well you typed it, (me talking to me.) Yeah, I said it and this is gonna hurt, but here goes. Apathy - that is what crawled up in my running shoes and died. And believe me - it stinks.
Oh lordy how it burns in me sometimes. I chase that sneaky little bastard away but he comes lurking back, disguised as all kinds of excuses and some are really good - but seriously, APATHY is a lying, cheating, passive-agressive, run robber. He stays around the edges like a dealer hovering by the playground...waiting to attack. And he's a charmer, I'll say. He reminds me of my past buys, the other times I fell off the run wagon. He somehow makes me feel like I've already given in just because he is even there talking to me. Cue the thunderous music...but wait, there is still a HOW!
HOW! How is my champion. How is the cavalry. How is the hero on the white horse. But you know what the face of how looks like? It looks just like me. It looks like me remembering I'm a warrior. Me remembering I'm a fighter. Me remembering I'm no quitter. Me - I'm the how. I'm the only how that will ever show up, show out and keep apathy at bay. I'm the only how that can make a change in my life and by golly (as we say in the sticks) make that apathy run for the hills. There is no magic formula. It is setting my alarm for the early run even if I stayed up too late and had a second glass of wine. It is laying out my running clothes even if I had a long day. It is me doing the follow through even if I have a dozen legitimate reasons I could stay home. I'm the only HOW that will ever stick. The only how that can turn this around.
So there. I said it. I owned it. It's time. (Me talking to me in yet another aside, "Do you hear me? It's time." Me answering me, "Okay, Okay, I hear you. Be the HOW. Be the HOW, NOW!!! Get my MoJo on the GO GO!") Those two are so cute when they squabble...
That's all ~ Thanks y'all
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