I observe, I analyse, I report, I rinse and repeat.
This is my life, it is my hamster wheel. Lately I noticed a few things
( i.e.I was telling my husband this morning.)
Sometimes the recording in my head is that I'm doing something wrong. Even when things are going good, I feel this impending doom of what do people really think about me. Who is mad at me now? What have I messed up that is soon to come to light? I feel that people are displeased with me for something, I always have. My husband doesn't seem to have impending doom hanging over his head so I am thinking, this is something I might have a choice about.
It is exhausting to go into the zone of watching people I love or admire and wondering if they are mad at me. It is maddening to wonder if people think I'm measuring up, to always question my place in the world and how the world views me. Wish I was a little more narcissistic and didn't give a crap. Wish I was a little thicker skinned and someone had to beat me over the head to get me to see they were mad at me or displeased with my performance. But when I start to see my cup half empty, I am constantly trying to watch for this inevitable disdain so I can change my ways, my thoughts, my words...before they give up on me? Before they call me out? Before they notice? Before they think I'm a bitch? Who knows...
People pleaser. It can be brutal at times. But I like being liked, I like being useful, I get energy from making others laugh, smile, or feel better. So what do I really want? I just need a little friggin balance.
So how do I change my internal tape when it starts to hit that negative mantra? (I'm no professional but I have some common sense suggestions for myself).
The first thing I should do is feed myself more positives. Read encouraging books like Mark Nepo's Awakening. Be with people who lift me up. Do things for myself that make me feel proud and believe, wholeheartedly, that I should be proud. I have never felt more in need of positivity in my life than I have these last 10 years. As my view of myself dims and my weight grows my radar for people's disdain gets higher and higher. Sometimes I want to scream STOP and shut my ears to the thoughts that bombard me. So what's stopping me? Just stop listening Kimberly! Do it! Who cares if they don't like you. Like yourself and tell "them" to STEP OFF! Besides, the things I'm hearing are probably not even real...they are just part of my negative self tape! That again!
Soooooo - I'm gonna try to roll in the positive thinking! Goal for the week is to think positive thoughts about:
How others view me
I may even get on my high horse! Well that may be a stretch but you never know. I just want to create in myself the optimum, fertile soil for all the other changes I need to make. It seems a positive attitude and a rejection of the worn-out old negative tape will be a good start!
That's all ~ Thanks Y'all!!