Ouch...its been over two weeks since I blogged. I know this just ruined everyone's days...ha - but seriously - I do miss blogging but I have been soo very distracted working and all and getting accustomed to the new schedule of two jobs.
Hopefully I will fall into more of a rhythm soon and be more consistent in everything. Eating and exercising have been a little more hit and miss than I care to admit. It is definitely easier to focus on creating new habits when you are not working. However, I do plan to power through. I have come too far to fall off now and besides I don't have a choice. I have to live healthier if I want to live longer. Otherwise I am just going to waste my life being totally miserable! I have already wasted too much time being unhealthy!! It's time to get back on track and kick some major butt!
So this is me traveling the long path back to the alter of confession, laying it all down and starting anew. I have been pretty good while being off course. I didn't go "hog wild", I have just not been as diligent as I have in past months. Like last night's fried mushrooms, chicken fingers and hot wings dipped in blue cheese dressing, not the highlight of my healthy eating, but not the end of the world.
Another change in my life of late, I colored my hair. This is what I really want to write about today. Being my best. How do we know how to be our best? What is our best? Well, I think this is subjective. Being my best is not written in stone somewhere, it is illusive and sometimes confusing.
Everyone who knows me and cares about me would probably write a different prescription for me on what is my best and how to achieve it. But if I have learned one thing in 49 years it is that I cannot follow someone else's plan or meet their expectations - that is a moving, freaking target.
So if you are reading this and you are disappointed by the earlier paragraphs describing my less than awesome choices, I want you to know I don't really care. I mean - I'm sorry to let you down if you thought I was perfect and all, but now you know, I'm not perfect. And let me go one step further, not only am I not perfect, I have no desire to strive for that nasty state of being that no one can achieve, I don't plan on ever trying that again! Talk about your misery!!! But I will make you a deal and I mean this in all sincerity. If you want me to do things your way and try to be perfect then lets start with you. You show me how to be perfect in all things you do and when you have reached perfection then I will start my journey toward that same end.
What? You don't like that deal? Oh I see, you would rather see me get my life together and meet your expectations of who I should be! What's that? Oh I see, by focusing on what's wrong with me you don't even have to examine you. You can spend all your time examining me. I see. Well that might have worked in the past but that's not going to work anymore.
I am sick and tired, and I mean this in love, of people telling me who to be and how to act and what is best for me. SICK AND TIRED. Sick, sick, sick as in ill, as in stop worrying about my stuff and worry about your own stuff before I throw up in your face. Tired as in - your unsolicited opinion of my health is exhausting me so please mind your own health and business and if I am lacking in knowledge or motivation and I choose to ask your opinion then you will be the first to know. Otherwise butt the hell out of my path, my journey, my vision for which me is the best me. You just make it harder by all your judging and spouting off. Did it take me 49 years to get the nerve to say that? Geesh.
Even now, I'm writing it in the wind because the people that need to hear this will never read this. But I feel better having typed it. The anger I feel because I feel judged is rather large. People say things meaning them in love but since I have my own views and ideas and beliefs the constant naggings translate into judgment. Love equals letting people figure out their own shit, not cramming your views down their throat. If they want your opinion - they will ask.
So I colored my hair. I started turning gray at 17. At 49 I'm white headed. I quit coloring it a couple of years ago because it's a pain to keep up with. But recently I started to feel like I wanted to go back to coloring it. I am not trying to look younger. I am trying to look my best and be happy with what I have and what I can change. I have noticed that as a blonde I am getting some looks from the opposite sex when I'm out in public, something that hasn't happened since I really started showing my gray. As if gray-haired women are just marked off the list of worthy to look at women. This is just a side-note observation. Why do people judge you by your hair color, skin color, car color - so stupid. While I have to say it is nice to know men notice me again, its not for attention that I want to be platinum blonde instead of gray (seriously such a subtle change in color- like one shade different and it changes people perception completely.) Its for me. I want to like the person in mirror.
I liked the white headed (very white) me just fine but something kept itching in the back of my mind, bothering me about it. I felt like I had given up on me and on looking good for my man, the only man who's opinion of me counts, (well except for my son). I know I really never totally gave up because I still wore my make-up and dressed nice, but it was like I realized I could up the ante a little and I finally did. I'm so glad I did. It was the right thing to do. But I want to say again, I did it for me, to take more pleasure in me and although it is superficial, it is okay to enjoy the way I look. It is okay to take pleasure in me being the best I think I can be. My choice, my opinion, only mine. (although my husband would never ever say, I think he is glad too!)
When it comes to my weight and health, that too has to be for me, by me, because I want it. Not because someone else keeps commenting on it. Geesh. By the way, there is One judge, God, if He doesn't like me, believe me, He will let me know. He doesn't need you to be a messenger, I promise.
So all this yammering is to make one point. I DON'T CARE WHAT ANYONE THINKS ABOUT ME UNLESS I INVITE THEM TO COMMENT ON ME AND HOW I LOOK AND HOW MY HEALTH IS AND HOW I RAISE MY CHILDREN AND HOW I LIVE MY LIFE. SO IF YOU HAVE STATED YOUR CASE ABOUT MY WEIGHT OR EATING OR ANYTHING TO DO WITH MY BODY I TOTALLY FORGIVE YOU BUT PLEASE DON'T DO IT AGAIN. TODAY I DRAW A LINE IN THE SAND. NO MORE.
When you are perfect, you can write me a long letter about how great it is to be perfect. I'll be waiting on that. Until then, trust me, I am being the best me I know how to be and that is damn good enough for me. If that's not good enough for you, don't call me until it is, because I like living in a world where I think I'm good enough and I don't need anyone to bust my bubble. I am my own boss.
Did ya hear that? I am blonde, I am my best, and I am my own boss.
That's all - and believe me that's enough - thanks y'all.
p.s. I think I'm going to read this post every day until I really commit to it for life. I need this! I care too much about what people think about me....geesh. So after writing all that, it does really come down to me accepting that people are gonna say things I don't like - I must learn how to deflect that stuff. Great another AFGE...