Dear Fat Girl,
First of all, I don't want you to get the impression I am being derogatory when I call you "fat girl". I mean this with both fear and understanding. Fear of you - and what you bring to my life and understanding of why you are here. So I have to write this letter to you and it is not a "Dear John" but maybe it is simply a "Moving On". I want to stay on track here and be very clear and specific about my intentions and feelings about our relationship so I will start with the understanding but unfortunately I will have to end with the part about fear and lastly, I will have to bring us to reality.
I want you to know I totally understand why you are here. I know you came to comfort me. In a time in my life where there was so much loss, so much pain, so much of what i thought was devastation, you offered warmth, you offered a feeling of satisfaction, distraction and even vindication. In your own way you tried to heal some broken down relationships. You tried to fill the the void of some that were totally lost. You tried to bridge the gap between me and some people I thought I could reach if I joined them in their world. Your intentions were good - at first. I know you gave me total acceptance and I loved you for that. Acceptance without accountability seemed so right and so pure - at the time. I craved your company. I envied you your freedom without responsibility. I ached for your intimate friendship. You did not disappoint me at first - and then you did and I realized, for all the good you brought, you brought an exponential amount of bad...and it kept growing and multiplying until I was lost.
But back to the good - and this is the good that I hope I to retain. You taught me as I have never been taught to love myself. Yes you did. 100 pounds heavier than I ever dreamed I could or would be I had to learn the hard, cold road of total acceptance of me - just as I am - without one plea,. And oh it was hard some days. Some days it took all the strength and courage I could muster just to step out the door to go to work, to the store, and God forbid - out to dinner where everyone watches the "Fat Girl" to see how she gobbles down the calories she obviously doesn't need. But I held my head high, said screw you to all the negatives and I pushed ahead. I was no longer worried about whether I was the prettiest in the room as I once was, now I was just glad if I wasn't the heaviest in the room which unfortunately I often was. Still - I pressed on because the real me has a fire and a spirit of defiance and passion and maybe a little arrogance too.
You also taught me in all this acceptance to accept others. Being overweight is difficult. It is taxing and it is easier to get there than anyone realizes when they are thin and vibrant and healthy. I was so easily caught in your trappings - your beautiful comforting web and before I knew it I was stuck and breaking free was harder than it had looked before I was caught. With each pound of weight I became less mobile, with each extra ounce I became more tired, and soon what had once been an aggravating 20 pounds had blossomed into a stubborn 50 and then quickly doubled into an insurmountable 100. Right in front of me - watching the scale every day, seeing every inch appear - it all came rolling in - waves and waves and waves but I felt helpless to stop it. Powerless. So in this realization lives and breathes a new awareness - a new acceptance for those who are overweight. Yes it is their responsibility and truthfully - sure it is of their own making but honestly - it happens so easily and even mysteriously that a person can wake up one morning and suddenly realize " Oh My Gosh - I AM FAT!" Love people for their insides and realize that fat does not equal lazy, stupid, worthless, second best, ignorant, or any of the other things we are often taught to associate with fat. It probably equals hurt, loss, sadness, hopelessness, fatigue and a host of other underlying realities.
You taught me so much. And for this I am grateful. For this I am willing to call you a life experiment. I am willing to view you as a detour, as if I were, for a period of time, a heroin addict or a "coke head". A period of life where I let myself go and waited to see what would happen. Waited to find my rock bottom to see if maybe that was where I belonged, at the bottom of the heap. Awwww, but this where I began to grow away from you. This is where our paths must part and though I accept you for you who you are and love you in spite of your shortcomings - I must move on, I must move up, I MUST MOVE OUT...
I am going to stop here for now... it is is enough for one night.
That's all - Thanks Ya'll.