diary of a mad fat woman

hahahahaa...thanks Tyler Perry for that wonderful movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman".  Talk about kickin butt and takin names - sometimes I have to get really mad to get really serious.  Tonight when my husband and I were out walking - yes hooray - a 45 walk - in the heat on a Monday night.  I was griping about how uncomfortable it is to be fat.  I really got kinda mad listing all the things that have changed since I became fat.  I had him laughing a little as I was really exaggerating but there was so much truth behind my whining.

I'm sure I have blogged about this before and dangit - I probably will again but I am so tired of the rolls and ridges.  I used to be smooth and only curvy in the "right places" .  The extra weight is hot and heavy which leads me to another thing I hate...getting into the car and seeing it move under my weight - at 150 pounds I didn't make that kind of an impression on my car.  I hate not being able to tie my shoes without cutting off my circulation and breathing.  I hate not being able to scratch my back because it's hard to reach around...grrr. I really hate that my precious and beautiful children see me like this (although they never let it show if they are embarrassed - God love them) and I hate that my friends and family see the weakness in me.

Which leads me to my aha moment for the day.  This fatness is about my weakness, but maybe not like most folks would think. It's not about weakness with chips and candy bars it is that I have tried to cover up my flaws and aim for perfection and trying to please people for far too long.  A part of letting go and getting heavy was saying I give up.  You wanna see just how weak I am then fine I will let down my guard and you will see, I am not who I pretend to be or try to be or strive and work my ass to be.  I am not confident, I am not strong, I am not who you accuse me of being or who you resent me being - I never was and I am freaking tired of trying....to be what everyone else expects me to be...or doesn't want me to be.  If I succeed too much I am arrogant and haughty.  If I succeed too little I am lazy and dumb.  Oh those naysayers - how they trap us in their bullshit....

Now that is all very personal and complicated and a lot of people won't get it and that is okay.  I get it.  I get that this whole weight gain thing is about letting go.  But now this whole getting over being fat is about rebuilding a more real Kim.  Someone who can make mistakes or succeed without guilt.  Good, bad or ugly it's about being who I am not the reflection or direction of someone else.

Now, enough blah blah blah...I over ate on calories today - a co-workers' farewell lunch did me in.  But I am working on my meal plan for the rest of the week and it will get better.  It may not be exactly as it should be until I get to the grocery store this weekend but until then - I can only do my best.  I did get my 45 min walk and I blogged and I tracked my calories on Calorie Count dot com...So - I count this day a roaring success.  (No perfection in me - just persistence)

As far as the mad fat woman, I'm not going to bed angry - I'm just going to bed...

That's all - Thanks Ya'll!!!!!!!  (especially my precious blogger peeps that leave me comments and make me smile inside and out!  Love you guys!)