The Curse of Caring

Yes, I am one of those people who cares what others think of me.  I have raised four children and one in particular does not care, for the most part, what others think. Oh how I wish I had that trait!  She sure didn't get it from me!  In theory maybe, but not in practice!

It's so strange to me, that when I was thin, there was one set of people who didn't want to be my friend - the folks who were overweight and unhappy about it and looked at thin people as the enemy. (I know, not every heavy person feels this way)  I felt their dislike for me or their envy of me having something they wanted.  I hated that feeling.  I want everyone to like me - call it ego, call it insecurity - call it however you see it, that's just me.  I want the playing field to be even and everyone be happy.  There was one person in particular that I went to church with, she had so little to do with me.  I tried to be friends with her but she refused my overtures.  Until...she started working out, lost all her weight about the same time I was putting mine on.  Guess what, she then wanted to be my friend even showed sympathy to me over some loss that I experienced.  Now things had changed. 

Now that I am heavy, I understand this more.  It's probably nothing personal but just that person dealing with their own situation in their own way. 

I think the point of all this is that I don't want to give my power away to people and bend to their likes and dislikes.  I remember thinking, as I was gaining, well at least ____________(fill in the blank - I'm not naming names) will want to be friends now.  At least ___________________won't dislike me so much.  Well now that we have weight in common ______________ won't always act like I have it so much better than she does.  Honestly, I did this.  I now look at it and realize - this may be sickness on my part.  People pleasing to the extreme. 

Funny thing is, once I became a "heavy person"  I didn't feel like I belonged in that club either.  Since I used to be thin, and didn't want to join the I hate skinny people club I couldn't fit in that group.  And since I am brutally honest about not wanting to stay heavy I don't really fit into some other groups, especially the group that has no desire to change.  My desire to change makes them feel judged - geezzzzzzzzzz.... 

I suppose this sounds kinda whiny - and maybe it is, I don't know.  Its just that now that I am trying to lose weight and get back in shape, I feel like I am once again inviting people to dislike me.  Some folks who are struggling with their weight but haven't yet gotten in their groove do not want to read about the fact that I had a good day on the treadmill yesterday.  When I say "Go Me" it is my inner child saying yes! you did it! to the voice that says I didn't think you could.  But does it come across sounding like - ooh I think I'm hot stuff? 

I don't know.  It just seems like I am an outsider most of the time and I just want to say this outloud and maybe get some feedback. 

I once heard an African American preacher refer to the Crawfish Syndrome [Crayfish Syndrome. That's when you put all the crayfish in a pail, and one tries to get out and all the others reach up and pull him down. He was making the point that when someone was trying to better themselves (as in a particular black man) the others in their effort to climb out ot the pail would pull him back down.]

I don't want to be a part of this with my fellow man.  If you are going up - I want to give you a push not a pull.  I hope there are some folks out there who feel the same way about me.

I wish I didn't care.  I am going to think about that.  I need all the power I can muster to keep this forward motion going forward.  I don't have power to waste to give to haters. 

Simply said, sometimes it is a curse to care!

Part Two:  Haha - jokes on me.  I spent today thinking about this and rolling it over in my head. I know in a couple of instances, the person in question really did have a problem with me and weight was one of their issues, not mine.  I realized today that those people moved on to have some other problem with me later on.  Maybe that means they just have a problem. 

I have to repeat - It is a curse to care too much about what other people think.  I know through all this soul searching I am learning to put a voice or two at the head of the pack.  My voice, my families voice and God's voice (not in that order) Some folks binge on chips, maybe I like to binge on other peoples approval - gross.


  1. Very interesting post. I saw a comment you made on Retta's blog yesterday re: a post she had written in which she said she was angry about something someone posted.

    Your comment expressed concern that you may have offended by being excited about your progress--as you mentioned in thie post.

    Well, first, I know what post Retta was talking about (and I emailed you the link) and it was far from yours. chuckle. Not even close. And Loretta would never have begrudged you expressing joy over your progress, by the way.

    Hear this in a gentle voice-- you may be reading into things and assuming criticism or jealousy where none exists.

    I can't speak for the people you know, of course, but I can speak to your reaction to Retta's post. your post today indicates that you've worried about how you have come off--and have come up with the wrong conclusion.

    Really. Life is hard. People can be abusive and cruel and selfish. Don't add to that by creating slights that do not exist. You deserve better from yourself.

    Feel better.


  2. Thanks Deb, I do tend to read too much in some days - then the next day - be like - why did I do that. Thanks for commenting - it is all part of that inner dialogue that can be sooo negative. gotta break that down.

  3. Well hello! I'm sorry to be so slow responding... getting caught up today.

    Like Deb correctly said, goodness NO, it was not your posts I was grumping about. I've gone back and read all your posts, and just see someone determined to figure it out for themselves, and make the necessary changes to take back their life!

    Kudos for your self-honesty. I've found there are lots of layers to work through. It's a process, and takes time and patience with yourself. And YES, definitely celebrate your successes! I love that! Learn from the stumbles, celebrate the successes. Sounds like a great mantra to me! :-)

    One suggestion: blog for yourself. If/when others show up, that's great. But do it for YOU. We all do it our own way, for our own needs. You'll find your own method, and work out how the blog can be a useful tool for yourself.

    When I started, that's how I approached it. Then I got a follower... wow, someone was actually reading what I wrote??! Then for awhile, it was fun and rewarding, the whole "follower" thing.

    Then... well, the newness wore off, and I was more into building friendships than numbers. And that's kind of how it is now. In fact, I moved the Follower button down, so I don't see it every day, LOL!

    I wish you the best of success, as you continue to wellness. And I mean that... I didn't say "to weight loss". Cuz that's only PART of this whole thing. We are regaining our lives, becoming WELL in all areas: mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. Gee... maybe a better word would be Wholeness!



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