The Unexamined Life is not Worth Living

The unexamined life is not worth living...Socrates

I am really enjoying my posting on this blog.  It is a great exercise in writing, which I enjoy very much, and it keeps me in a semi-constant state of analysis, which is very helpful for making change.  It reminded today me of a favorite quote that I repeat often as part of my personal dialogue,{ the unexamined life is not worth living}.  I guess I picked that up in philosophy class years and years and years ago - and claimed it as one of my truths.  It fits my personality and value system like an expensive leather glove.  I am by nature or training, not sure which, an evaluator of life.  Especially my life. I love to analyse, pick apart and dissect all things.  Some times this is a blessing and sometimes a curse - sometimes healthy and sometimes, not so much.  It is funny though how even though I try to stay in the moment and be aware of what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, I can still shut that off when I want to and live in a state of self-imposed ignorance.  I doubt if I am alone, we all believe what we want to believe. 

I have been cursed and blessed by being layed off.  This is the first time in my life that I have found myself in a situation where someone else told me my work was done, when someone else had control over the decision to end my employment.  And, even though I knew it might happen, it has been a struggle.  But the blessing has been that I decided to take this gift of time and use it for my good and try not to let it get me down. 

I left a good career back in 1996 to stay home with my kids.  Raising four children is really a full-time job in my opinion and even being home 24/7 sometimes I felt like there wasn't enough of me to go around.  During this 10 year stint at home I worked a variety of part-time jobs and went to school when I could afford it.  After a brief stretch as a potter, making pottery in my own studio, I decided that I needed to go in a more business like direction - more main stream.  So I completed my degree in graphic design.  In 2007 I reached a life-long goal of graduating college.  I knew it would be difficult to find a good job.  Arkansas is not the graphic design mega capital- but I thought I could find a decent job.  This has proven harder than I thought.  In the job field,  I found myself to be a sort of enigma.  Being older and having been a homemaker all these years, I don't fit the usual m.o. of the entry level graphic designer.  So finding a job has been a challenge to say the least. But finally this last year, I landed my dream job.  I knew going in that it was a short contract and that at the end of the contract I might or might not be needed for further work, but I took the job anyway and I loved it.  Unfortunately, the worst fear was realized and when my contract ended, no further offer was made.  It may still happen, but for now, I am not needed.

The first realization of this was devastating.  I finally had a good paying job with a team of folks I admired and now I was losing that.  I knew if I let myself go to that dark place for too long though, I could get lost there.  I decided instead to do something I had been wanting to do and trying to do for years - lose some weight, get in shape and become a more health conscious consumer. I have been layed off for almost a month now and I am so proud of myself that half of that time has been devoted to examining my life, making changes, working out, eating better, starting a blog of accountability and staving off the depression demons that tried to sneak in my life in those early days. 

As I am looking for a job I can be assured that I will be looking better, feeling better about myself and bringing a more positive outward appearance than I would have if I hadn't turned down this path and headed off with a vengeance.  Time is a gift, examining my life and making changes, those are gifts too.  They are gifts I give myself.  I don't know what will happen to my weight loss and healthy eating/fitness goals when I eventually go back to work.  I hope I will be disciplined and healthy enough to keep pursuing what I have started. It will be more difficult to say the least.  This hectic week can bear witness to that truth.  The busier you are, the harder it is to make changes in your life - or at least that is true for me. 

One thing is certain, I didn't get here by sticking my head in the sand and  pretending all was well.  I got here by some hard fought soul searching and some good ol' fashioned gumption.  Am I proud, yes but with reservation.  Beginning is something to be proud of yes, but finishing  - that's where you really get to revel in the glory. 

1 comment:

  1. B= fried brown rice with broccoli/fried egg
    L= taboli, imitation crab with dill
    D= salmon, stir fried celery and fried rice

    snacks=blackberries, brazil nuts, spinach/artichoke dip with wheat pita

    Exercise= 30 minutes on treadmill


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