Mama's Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to be....Fat Girls?

Wait, wait, wait....before anyone gets their feathers ruffled or feelings hurt, the title is meant to be "tongue in cheek" and I will be explaining in this post what it means to me...and why I chose the term "Fat Girls".

Wow, what a wild ride this whole detox/weight loss/health kick is becoming.  From the new grocery shopping ritual ( I am finding I need to go once a week to keep fresh veggies in the fridge) to the blogging, to the treadmill - so many changes, I kind of feel like a slow moving merry-go-round.  And as merry-go-rounds will do, today it toppled me right off.  Thankfully I was in slow motion so no one got hurt.  I have never gotten around to why I finally started my huge health kick, how it is I have time for all this cooking and blogging, and cooking and exercise, but the reason is, I am layed off.  

I will get around to that subject eventually but the story I'm trying to tell right now is that finally, after being unemployed for 3 weeks, I went to the unemployment office today for the first time in my life.  It was a strange experience and I have been procrastinating about going ever since I got layed off on December 31, 2010.  Anyway, long story short - I did not know how long it would take and I did not plan ahead on my eating.  I had a light breakfast before heading out on my errands and no mid morning snack and by the time I left the unemployment office I was beyond hungry.  So I gave in to my craving, and stopped off for a quick Mexican food fiesta!  Not siesta - I wish it were - but fiesta!  The works!  So tonight, I am topping it off with pizza!  The moral of the story for me is, this healthy eating is harder than it looks and it requires planning, patience, perseverance and many other mentally healthy habits.  BUT  falling off the merry-go-round is not the problem.  As long as I don't give in to that voice inside my head that has me doomed to failure. 

The voices in my head are the actual subject I want to blog about tonight.  No, its not the kind of voices that tell me to do evil to my fellow man.  They are the voices of truth and the voices of lies.  The only evil they usually cause is to myself ( and the occasional surly store clerk or waiter that I intentionally become rude to because I decide someone needs to put them in their place ).  There is one voice in my head that says in a reasonable tone, "You are an accomplished woman.  Beautiful in your own way and even though you are overweight right now you are still a woman of great value.  If you want to lose weight you can but if you don't, you are fine just like you are (even though my doctor insists I cannot gain one more pound without become a health hazard). "  The other voice is not so nice, and it belittles me and berates me with words and ideas that I don't even want to type because I do not want to give credit or credence to that voice, it is a liar. 

So when I say, Mama's don't let your babies grow up to be "fat girls".  I am saying PARENTS, (including myself) don't teach your children the negative voice.  Teach them the positive one, the one that says you can do anything you want.  {As a side note, I will tell you my mother is a great support to me, she knows I can do this and she tells me so.  She probably doesn't give one whit whether I am thin or heavy, so long as I am happy and healthy.}  I did however learn an unhealthy dialogue along the way and have counted on people in my life that unfortunately let me down and reinforced that dialogue. (This is not - boo-hoo Kim, it is merely fact.  We all have those people in our lives and we must sometimes walk away from them and sometimes deal with them in other ways)  I am not here to point fingers or place blame.  Only to say, I have an unhealthy "fat girl" dialogue in my head and I have to turn that off if I want to make real progress.  I know it and I know that I know it.

Perfection is a myth and we don't get to be perfect.  I am learning to tame the voices in my head for myself and for others.  I am learning to live and let live.  I do like the voice that encourages me to do better and always strive for my best - that is the one that gets me on the treadmill of dread.  I don't however like the one that tells me I can't do this or that or says I am fat, ugly or worthless.  I don't like the people in my life who reinforce that voice and I try to avoid letting them have influence in my life.   I strive for balance not perfection.  I push myself to do better but I let myself have a fiesta meal and follow it with pizza.  I already know, I will be back on the merry-go-round tomorrow and striving to be healthy.  My vision is that I will ride this way until one day the merry-go-round of health becomes so ingrained that it becomes habit and it becomes the new life of healthy eating, exercise and caring for myself that I am dreaming of.  I imagine it becoming so light and so easy that it lifts like a Frisbee - and sails away - taking me anywhere and everywhere i want to go..... 

[one more side note - I am not a professional at this health business - I do not have all the answers - please remember as you read this - this is only my story - told my way - and I do not claim to be 100% correct - it is simply my journey to better health and weight loss]

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