Yesterday - I almost gave up.  I know - what a wimp.  It's like this, the first day I was sooo fired up and ready to take on the world.  Change seemed so exhilarating and so liberating and I thought I was invincible!  (Manic is probably more accurate.) Day two however is a different story.  On day two I am faced with the realization that this is not about a vegetable shopping spree where everything is external and easy.  Oh yeah, plucking up those beautiful vegetables and placing them proudly in my cart, I thought I was a really big deal.  How fun to watch the lady in the checkout sort through all those bags of goodies and labor over her list of codes.  I even mentally scolded myself for not bringing my big recycle grocery bag.  How cool would I have looked if I put all my veggies in the bag and presented them at the check-out like a badge of honor?  I would have felt like I had to been to the market in some Tuscan village. So there was my fantasy of detox and weight loss.  Becoming healthy seemed a romantic idea in which I was in the starring role and I could fill my fridge up with the success of my bounty. 

Day two was trouble.  Day two was taking those veggies and my detox guide and starting the changes that would lead to a better me, a thinner more healthy me.  Wow, it kinda hit me out of the blue, the self doubt, the anger, the frustration.  But, not to be a quitter, I went to the kitchen, cooked up some veggies in vegetable broth, and had my little cup of clear broth with veggies.  With this accomplished I thought I was back in the saddle, so maybe it was time to hit the treadmill.  I have a great compilation of songs on my ipod for working out.  Starting off slow, Tracy Chapman - Fast Car, building in intensity, Dixie Chicks - Not Ready to Make Nice, leveling off with pulse pounding Beyonce - Independent Women, inspirational tunes are a great motivation for me when I am working out.  I especially love the girl power lyrics - what woman doesn't?  But yesterday something wasn't right.  Beyonce could not inspire me enough.  My legs felt like rubber bands jiggling and springing but not engaging.  Then it happened ..... resignation began to creep in like the fog that was outside my window.

My borrowed treadmill is in an out of the way spot in my living room, next to the unused piano.  The piano is strategically placed in front of the godawful 1970s mirror tiles which were considered fashion forward I guess back in the day when sophisticated equaled tacky.  So while I am on the treadmill trying like hell to find my "mojo" with Beyonce giving her 100%, I look over and catch a glimpse of myself in those amber mirror tiles with the gold and smoky rivulets running through them....I was filled with disgust.  I tried to shift gears to the positive.  Okay, look again, take it in, this is where you are, this is why you are working so hard, let the image in the mirror motivate you to push harder.  Unfortunately Detox Kim was not in the mood to listen to Cheerleader/Encourager Kim.  After only 20 minutes - I got off the treadmill and gave up for the day....I thought. 

I went back to my computer games, pathetic I know, and tried to block out what had just happened.  but it was as if a huge blanket of despair had wrapped around me - I wanted to cry, scream and basically quit.  I don't know where it came but a thought occurred to me that maybe I just hadn't eaten enough to have enough energy for my work out.  I thought back to the soup.  I realized I had not fueled up enough. Begrudgingly, I went back to the kitchen, cooked a small portion of salmon and reheated some brown rice.  As I was cooking my youngest daughter came in from work.  She asked to join me in my salmon meal so doubled the portions.  While it was cooking we sat and talked.  She told me she had read my blog and how it had inspired her to be more healthy.  (She is maybe a size two, about 5'6" with beautiful red hair - a real head turner) So beautiful daughter was encouraging me to stay encouraged because I was encouraging her.  Wow, did I need that!  I ate my meal, she disappeared to her bedroom. 

About half an hour later I felt better, I thought maybe I could try to finish my work out.  Get my 30 minutes in for the day.  Next thing I know I have passed my usual stopping point, I am all business on the treadmill, reaching a new speed and a long stride.  I was invincible again.  A 20 year old daughter told me she believed in me, that she was proud of me and reminded me I was setting a good example by making healthy changes in my life.  This tiny spot in my day, helped me realize that making life long change is going to be hard.  This is going to take all the courage and will power I can muster.  This is going to take a village.  Its not about filling the fridge with healthy foods, it is about battling my demons and loving myself in a non-co dependant way.  Tough love, real love, healthy love...that's my recipe.


  1. I don't know if you're up for advice or not, so take this and do what you want with it, but I think you could really benifit from reading Dr. Phil's book, the Ultimate Weight Solutions. Even if you're not a Dr. Phil fan (I know a lot of people aren't) his book was just life altering for me. It didn't just deal with "exercise + diet = weight loss" but it talked about every aspect of weight loss, from mental to physical. It talked about the way I felt and thought about myself that maybe nobody else relaly knew, about the things I thought of myself that were just in my head. I see a bit of that in you as well, a little self loathing from what your body looks like currently and those little voice can really be detrimental to your efforts.

    Anyway, if you're looking for a good read, maybe it would be something that would speak to you on some level, like it did me.

  2. Always open for advice! Isolation is what got me here...and I have read that book by Dr. Phil. In fact I found it the other day when I was digging up all my weight loss stuff! I think he is a pretty smart guy and he and I agree on most subjects. I do have a book that I love even more than his Ultimate Weight Loss Solutions, and that is Geneen Roth's "Breaking Free from Emotional Eating". She has been there and back and bought the t-shirt.

    Your perception is right on! I do struggle with the inner voice and it is ironic that you brought that up today because I have been forming today's post in my mind and it is about the inner voice.

    I push that inner voice down as much and as often as I can, but it still pops up in my thinking from time to time. I even know who's voice it is patterned after but I don't really share that with many folks. I may tonight - haven't decided yet.

    I appreciate so much your taking time to read, digest and comment. I appreciate so much that I am open to accountability and true intimate freindship, which requires honesty. This is a journey for sure, and I know I won't be perfect, but I want to keep trying to be as good as I can - that's the plan.

    Big hug!


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