Well, hmm, funny thing, this week will mark the 32nd anniversary of my marriage to my now ex-husband. 32 years since I slipped on a banana peel and landed in Intensive Care, not literally, just figuratively. I just stumbled upon this handsome devil at a party when I was 19 years a baby, and his cool arrogance had me at hello... so to speak. He didn't say much, still doesn't, but that only intrigued me more (I have a thing for the silent type it seems). I don't know which of us was the most dysfunctional but in the end, he won out, as in its hard to stay married when you stay out drinking with your buddies, or your neighbor or hey - just any old stranger and don't come home all weekend.
I thought my heart would break. I threw temper tantrums, cleaned my apartment spotless, prayed without ceasing, I may have even done a rain dance in there somewhere. I felt like I was losing my mind by losing my marriage. I had made it four years until I was the ripe old age of 23. I clung tight as long as I could then I finally let it all go. Well sort of. I did the divorce thing. I got the kids, he got his freedom back. And not to speak ugly of him, but I think even he would say, he had the freedom to wreck his life. I don't think I was faultless in the marriage but I wanted to work it out, he didn't. He wanted out. My pride was crushed and my only defense was to live well and move on.
But I have to admit, it took me years to get over it. over the hurt, the guilt of letting my daughters down, the hurtful words and treatment, and deep down, I didn't know what to do with the feelings I still had for him. I didn't want to be with him, but I still cared about him.
So why am I sharing all this insanely personal stuff? Well it doesn't seem so personal now. You see it all the time these days. The things people once put up with in a marriage and just tried to keep hidden - those are the things that end up as "Cause for Divorce" on the legal papers. The little family secrets don't survive the ties that bind like they once did.
But the other thing is, changing my life now is very similar to the changes I had to make way back then. I have tried so many things to lose this weight. I have certainly tried the short cuts and I have thrown many a tantrum (internally) when I figured out what it was really going to take to win at weight loss get my healthy self back, especially since age is now a serious part of the challenge.
So here I am, trying to find my place in all this, trying to see myself realistically because that seems like the very first stronghold. Kind of like the bad marriage that is not going to change because one person doesn't want it to. You have to admit to yourself, it takes two people wanting change and being willing to do the work. This process seems to come in layers for some of us, like me. Last year I was at one level and doing well, now I'm ready to peel back another layer. Get a little more honest, do a little more work. I wish I was one of those that just saw it, did it, conquered it. Game over. I guess I'm not that good at letting it go and moving on.
So I am having this bad marriage - with me. I am two people which is ironic since I weigh double what I did for much of my adult life. One of me wants this healthier life, and one of me doesn't. One of me, the stronger, self confident, positive me wants this new life but the other me wants to just settle for where I am. There is a constant war in me.
Much like the pain of divorce, I feel like I have signed the legal documents to cut the old gal loose but really letting her go and moving on is the true painful test of will power, strength and courage. I know, if I keep pushing toward the goal, and keep living well as best I can, that I will eventually be glad I let her go. Just like that devastating time in my life, years ago, when I just couldn't bear to let him slip away... but I did, believing there was something better for me. I think on my own without the heaviness of this extra gal I will enjoy the rest of my life exponentially more because I will feel better, healthier. Isn't that why we get divorced? To create a better life?
I am signing up for a 5K next week. I walked three miles yesterday to be sure I could do it and I can! I haven't done a 5K in soooooo many years and certainly never at this weight but I'm I really trying to find things that motivate me and spur me on. I am also looking into a new eating plan and I know this is not an original idea but I want to start eating for nutrients sake. Not knocking counting calories because that certainly is one way to lose the pounds but I have seen first hand how you can eat crap and still stay within your suggested calorie intake.
Those weight watchers frozen meals are a perfect example. Tons of sodium but what is the other nutritional value? If I am supposed to have X amount of this vitamin and X amount of healthy fat, and this percentage of fiber and this much of all these minerals and on and on and on, I will never get that from Lean Cuisine. I don't have anything against the low cal version of fast food but I want to try something different. I really want to research how to eat to get all my necessary vitamins and minerals, fats and fibers, and all the protein that I should have, no more, no less.
I don't believe in vitamins in the pill form, I just don't. I believe to feel good I have to eat the spectrum of food available to me. Prepared in my kitchen so I know what I'm eating. I know first hand how much better I feel when I am eating lots of vegetables, especially dark green veggies. I just feel like eating the correct variety of foods to satisfy my body's nutrient needs is the way to go. If I get this off the ground I will write about my results for sure. I can see already, it may be a daunting task. I am going to start by evaluating my favorite foods and see if I can make a meal plan for a day that packs in all the days suggested nutrient requirements. However, just coming up with a day, seems daunting. No wonder we just go through the taco bell drive through...I'm tired just thinking about it. We will see what happens....
Just like with every thing else in life, its one day at time. I just know, I'm letting go. One day if felt like saying goodbye to my bad eating habits was sad and full of sacrifice. Now I'm just ready to move on and let that old gal be the next one that "Got Away".
Gotta keep working toward the prize - a better life, a better me or is a better me, a better life...???
Either way, That's all - Thanks ya'll!