I have noticed in my life that sometimes my success equals failure. It is a strange phenomenon and maybe you have seen it in your own life. Often times a huge success will trigger more success and it will carry me down the path to reaching my goals. Wave after wave of positive action will continue to produce positive results and I bask in a season of happy living. However, there are times when a success has a strange but opposite effect and will lead me in a completely opposite direction.
Last week I was very pleased that I lost another couple of pounds. The scale is a constant companion in my weight loss goal and I check it routinely to see how I'm progressing. I am getting out of the I'm embarrassed to even say how much I weigh phase and approaching the, well I'm overweight but its not as bad as it used to be phase. Unfortunately this has not been a huge motivational beginning to the new week. In fact, this week I have not wanted to eat healthy, I had to drag myself to yoga and I just basically feel unmotivated to care. I know a part of this is also the grief and heaviness of the last week.
Going home last week included going to a funeral, staying at our old home that still hasn't sold, seeing two daughters and a friend but having to say goodbye to them too, then leaving my home of 17 years knowing again this may be the last time I stay there. All these hellos and goodbyes are still an adjustment for me. I know this may sound whiny - some people have it so much worse but I have lived close to my family for many years and have not moved to another city since 1982 and never lived in another state - so yeah this is a huge growing experience for me and my family. All that said, I don't really think the blues are demotivating me - I've been dealing with that since August.
I really think I am one of those weight loss people who reaches some level of success and starts to fall backwards into the abyss. So why is this? Here are some ideas...
Complacency - where I am is good enough
Unworthiness - somewhere inside I don't think I deserve this
Fear - what if I press on and don't make it any further
Laziness - I'm really tired of working at this
Stupidness - unexplainable need to make bad decisions
I really have no idea why I can only go so far before I start to lose interest. I did make it to yoga and I did eat healthy today. But I am doing so in a spirit of rebellion, not a spirit of motivation. I am powering through as we say. The problem is, I don't want to live the rest of my life trying to power through while hating it all the time. I want to love my healthy food, exercise and someday my healthy body. I don't want to be a dry drunk. What is a dry drunk? Well I'm glad you asked. Here is a link if you want the whole enchilada;
But in a nutshell, it is someone who has stopped drinking but is still engaging in the other old behaviors and negative thinking. Since I have a couple of peeps in my life who are recovering, this term has become a part of my vocabulary and I think it applies very well to the state I'm in - only substitute food for alcohol. I'm just mad because I can't eat crazy food at will and if I did, I would be really unhappy with myself. Having come out of the dark place, I cannot return. I just can't. So, there went my safety net - POOF and yeah it pisses me off on one hand but I'm also thankful on the other.
So realizing where my thinking has gone off track is one thing, creating a plan is another. I guess I will be writing about that tomorrow.
I am also guessing my rebellion is multi-faceted. Letting go of the old life and embracing the new encompasses sooooooooooooooooooooooooo many changes. I'm pretty sure this is gonna be a little complicated to figure out. But I will get there! Until I do, I'm just gonna do the next right thing.
That's All ~ Thanks Y'all!