I may have written about this before but if I have it has been long enough ago I don't remember so I am going to write about it today. Victim - oh though bloody wretch.
First of all, on a side note, I want to say how glad I am to be a blogger in 2014. I am even looking at expanding my blog to include my food choices in a sort of recipe journal. Writing is fun for me, and I often write about the mental and emotional hang ups that I have that I believe lead to my demise or my recovery from what has been an agonizing stage in my life where I have felt so ashamed and unhappy with myself, my weight and my lack of interest in a healthy life. I am not a professional weight loss guru or counselor. Everything I write is based on personal belief, conviction, and/or observation. If I get an idea from someone else I try to give them the credit they deserve. Some people would rather take a bullet than share such intimate details but I like sharing in hopes that it helps me better understand. And... someone else might get a spark of good from something I have learned along the way, or at least have a good laugh now and then.
I used to have a pastor in my church of choice that was known to say, "Now I'm gonna quit preaching for a minute and just go to meddling" before he would launch into something that others might consider none of his business...sooooooo if you are reading this and have the tendency to take things to heart, this blog may sound like I have quit blogging and just gone to meddling. Please let me assure you, I write this for me, to me, about me so I can better know me and remember to know. But like I said above, if you get a chuckle or a spark - then I am sooo thrilled.
But, if I could quit blogging and go to meddling I would say to myself and anyone in ear shot. Know thyself.
I totally jacked that ugly graphic from the internet but I really want to make a point. We go around on auto pilot so much I really believe sometimes we do not even know who we are. My AA girl (recovering addict in my life who is amazing and precious and so very strong!) told me and I know I have said this before, "the only people who cannot be cured of addiction are those who are clinically unable to be honest with themselves". And there are some of those out there in the world for sure and some we label with the identities of mental illnesses but many more of us are not totally nutz - just a little around the edges. If I have a mantra in life - it is Know Thyself. Own your own shit - good and bad, mistakes and triumphs. Admit it to yourself and others when it is safe to do so. And if you have a misconception about yourself - its okay to rethink things...might as well, no one is gonna do it for you! Tune In!
So I realized as part of some recent self exploration that I have been soooo very wrong about something for sooo very long and I am sooo happy to clear up the confusion it has caused in my thinking (although it may take a bit of work to reprogram). I am reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth and she is telling me this;
"You are not a mistake. You are not a problem to be solved." and this "Eventually, we get so tired of trying to fix ourselves that we stop. We see that we've never been able to make ourselves good. Never been able to accomplish ourselves into being someone else. And so we stop trying. We see there is no goal, no end place, not test to take. No one is keeping score. No one is watching us and deciding whether we are worthy enough to ascend. Eventually we see that it was the investment in the brokenness, the constant effort to fix ourselves, that was the very thing that kept the wholeness at bay."
In other words when we really know ourselves, we see ourselves not as broken (or through the eyes of judgment) but we see ourselves as whole. As innately good. As a creation. (I only saw this on good days)
Wow, here I thought I was broken. Beat down by life and bad choices, both mine and others'. Always trying to better myself not realizing that I am already good enough and better than that, I am not just barely good enough, I am completely and wholly good enough. There is nothing to fix.
I am not a victim of my own life. I am a warrior and a princess and I am fine just like I am.
No one likes a self made victim anyway. There are Plenty of real victims out there but even their roles become stale if played too long. When we stay a victim we give away our power, when we create ourselves as victims we paralyze our life's energy. No thanks.
Really long post and not so interesting for some but I wanted to share. I am loving this book. It is opening up many new ideas and reminding me of some of my old identity I have lost along the way. What a relief to realize I am already wonderful. I can enjoy my life even at my present weight. I can also keep doing healthy things that bring me joy.
If you need a good book of encouragement and eye opening revelation, check it out. Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth.
That's all ~ Thanks y'all!