Surprising Me

Have you ever played the "weight loss game" with yourself.  Telling yourself you want it and want it bad then turning around and sabotaging yourself, your efforts, your health?  Oh my goodness, how many time have I done this?  Too many to count.

One very sad byproduct of this behavior is that I came to distrust myself. Back when I was younger and more whole, before life had both enticed me to her paths of destruction, and I did not feel so jaded and used up by people, my word was my bond.  If I said I'm going to start exercising I would do it.  I would stick with it, maybe not 100% of the time but a good deal of the time I stuck to my healthy eating and my exercise.  I loved myself and I loved to be thin and I trusted myself that I could be alone in a house with chips and not go psycho on them.

It seems though, over the years, I began to let myself down.  One little slip up here, one little indulgence there, a bad decision or a royal frank up, it just seems like I lost sight of the strength of character I once cherished about myself.  Not that I have been out murdering or robbing or pillaging but I let down my guard and I was unkind to myself and sometimes, I was unkind to others. It surprised me.  Am I alone here?  How strange when we surprise ourselves.  Stranger still how we can stay on the path of least resistance until we are no longer surprised.  We are not shocked that we overate at dinner, again. 

Time and time again I have let myself down until I came to a point where I really just did not like the person I had become.  I did not trust myself.  Oh the warring, the shame, the guilt the negatives that begat the negatives that begat the damn negatives! (If you are wondering why I am using curse words in my posts lately, it is the passion I feel for what I'm writing.  I am soooo wanting to say this loudly.)

I could really go on and on describing the black hole of weight gain but those of you who are there, you already know and those that are not there and have never been there, it is really not something words can convey. 

But .... that wonderful word...today I am surprised by something else.  I am surprised by dedication.  I am surprised by courage and spontaneity.  I am surprised by my positive "can do" attitude.  I am not saying I trust myself again, not yet, but I am liking myself more with each positive choice especially when I back it up with a positive and truthful action. 

Is this the new me?  Oh Lord please let it be!  The new me, surprising me in strength and character, and then surprising me again!

That's all ~ Thanks y'all!