Baby, You Can't Eat a Broken Heart

Warning:  This is a big dramatic post, chalk full of the pain and anguish of heartbreak.  If you don't like mushy gushy emotional stuff, skip this one!



Are you ever going along in your life, feeling good about yourself and then POW you hit a wall?  And not just any wall but a big ol' wall, the kind with loose bricks and jagged pieces of mortar, thorn bushes growing at its base and broken glass hidden in the mix.  You run into the wall, bust your head on the brick, get tangled in the briers and step on the glass?  Is it a real wall or of your own devices, one that is mostly in your head?  You don't know, but it feels real and when you show it to a trusted friend, they say, yeah, its real alright.  And the damnedest thing about the wall is that you avoid it most of the time.  Oh you know it's there, and you know it's a good wall meant for good things and it offers protection and many other wonderful attributes but if you run into it at full speed or examine it too closely, you open a Pandora's box of pain? 

Of course, I am talking about a difficult relationship.  A necessary one and a mostly good one.  But does everyone have one of these?  One that is so good in so many ways but so painful in one or two areas?  Well I don't know, but I spent some serious time in counseling trying to avoid this part of this relationship that I got alllllllll tangled up in yesterday.  I practice acceptance and pray the serenity prayer over it and basically ask God to change me or change this person but that would be a tall order and so far, the situation lies mostly in the hands of ongoing forgiveness, love and acceptance////and, truth be known////we probably both feel the same way - so sure we are right and so hurt to be misunderstood. 


So how does this relate to my healthy lifestyle?  hahahahahahaha (that is one of those hysterical laughs) This is "where the rubber meets the road" as the saying goes.  This day is pivotal and I didn't know this would happen.{should have but didn't}  That my renewed self confidence and loving myself and caring for myself would resurrect this old bastard demon. This demon [by demon I mean the pain - not the person] is not the one who put me in the box but he certainly showed me the way.  Basically today, I am heartbroken.  It is too personal to spell it all out and I don't even know if anyone besides me could really understand the depth of the pain, but the point for me is that I think we all have some of this in our lives.  If you don't, then consider yourself soo very lucky.  But whether it is a difficult relationship, a sick loved one, a death that took so much from us or any number of possible tragedies - we all have days where we feel undone.  Where we want to crawl under a rock and not talk to anyone but simply lick our wounds. 

I don't think this is a bad thing, as long as we don't stay there too long and we don't take a bag of chips with us.  I feel paralysed today.  I feel so sad, misunderstood and disappointed.  I know it will pass, it always does.  In the meantime, I know I cannot go back to my old ways of using food to comfort myself {or to prove to this person that I am a free agent and can do and will do as I please} it seems so simple.  I know I should get on the treadmill, or do my yoga, either would help clear the cob webs and reassure me that I am bigger and better than the slobbering idiot I reduced myself to yesterday. 

Broken hearts mend, and as my husband pointed out, maybe it is just part of this whole process of self realization and I just needed to get it out and over with.  I want to move forward in peace, with grace and maturity. I am thankful for a place to share my burden.  I am glad I didn't eat my way to comfort last night or this morning.  So far so good.