At one time, like my daughter, I hated food, except of course my favorites and I loved them but I loved being thin and boney more. I could turn down any food back then I never craved food as much as I did approval and that came in the form of thinness for me.
Fast forward and at about 180 or 170 lbs I decided to lose weight via some weight loss doctor that described an antidepressant and phentermine, the devil weight loss drug that is supposed to be safe but is related to Phin Phin - the drug with the bad reputation. I got down to 140 and looked great. Sort Of. My face showed my rapid weight loss and the ravages of the drug. Plus the drug makes you a little nuts, especially combined with the antidepressant. It has taken me about 10 years to admit all this more readily. I don't like drugs, and I knew the doctor was a quack, but I was so hungry to be young and thin and accepted I went against my better judgment, my sense of self, and my health and did it anyway. I do regret it, I truly believe it damaged my body, but I have moved on.
Unfortunately at the next phase of life I hit hard times. Personal crisis after personal crisis came flooding in and I was so used to not having an appetite that when I quit using the phentermine, I went crazy, eating everything in sight. Food became my solace, my comfort, my entertainment, my escape. It became a crutch and I was really depressed. Plus, the bonus, it was also a punishment for people and things they did - all the while knowing I was really punishing me because I felt I was lacking. I was a mess!
At my highest weight I was almost 260 pounds. I have lost a good chunk off of that but still have a ways to go! So, where am I today and what is my relationship with this substance we call food?
I have spent a lot of time and effort untangling myself from food as a lover. It is no longer my confidant, my shoulder, my bff, my entertainment or my mood changer. After breaking up with food several times it finally stuck and it is no longer my go to when times are hard. I can still pack in a few too many calories now and then but it is not a daily need to feed some monster inside me that refuses to be satisfied. It is no longer the relationship that everyone tells you is bad for you and therefor you want it even more.
And food is not my enemy of old either. I didn't go back to just eating as little as I could to get by. I can remember as a young girl getting headaches because I hungry and getting all shaky because I hadn't eaten but I would not, could not eat and gain weight. I knew if I did I would lose the approval I soooooo craved. No - I will not return there.
Today, food is my gentle physician. I am still working on my plan to eat for nutrients, getting as close to my daily requirements of each essential vitamin and mineral as I can. I still plan to write about that when I get it all lined out. But that is my goal. I eat to fuel my body with what it needs. What that looks like in my world right now is this; there is some leftover pizza in the fridge from last night that my husband picked up because I wasn't feeling well. I had two slices. I could have eaten it for lunch too. Instead I ate two small sweet potatoes tossed with coconut oil and spices. Because I would just rather not eat pizza two days in a row. It's balance. If I want a steak I will have a steak. If I want bacon I will have bacon. But I will also eat a bag of spinach this week and whatever veggies I decide to add. And I will shop and cook with my health in mind not just my cravings.
I can tell I'm healing. From the brain to the body and back to the brain again. I crave wisdom and balance, peace and health more than anything else in my life. I don't need a forbidden love to feel alive, and I don't need an enemy to boost my ego off of. I need a physician. Food is the great healer if used in the correct way. I thank God and myself for figuring this out. I have worked very hard to get back to a healthy attitude about life, food and triggers. It is not a mystery, good input equals good output - Bad input, equals miserable, I can't live like this output. So when times get tough again what will I do?
I'll take two Brussels sprouts and call you in the morning.
That's all ~ Thanks Y'all!